I Let It Break Me

I let it get to me. The way that they were talking to me. I tried to say that it wasn’t personal and that they were just upset at the situation….not at me. That quickly turned when they started insulting me and being abusive. I tried to answer their questions to the best of my ability and get the help I needed. It didn’t matter. I wasn’t getting them the answers they needed. I wasn’t helping them. When I was doing my best. Didn’t matter that I was new. Didn’t matter that this was my first experience with this type of problem.

There were things that I could have done or said differently. I apologized when necessary. And did my best to let them know that I wasn’t trying to waste their time. That I wasn’t trying to undermine their intelligence. That I was listening and doing my best. They didn’t want to hear it. They didn’t want to believe that I was getting help from a supervisor or that I actually wasn’t lying about what I could and couldn’t do. The things I wish I could have said, but didn’t because I didn’t want I lose my job.

It got so bad that I was having a hard time thinking and even functioning. I let it get to the point where all I could do is cry. And I did. Hard. I’m talking the ugly crying, sobbing, hyperventilating, can’t breathe type of crying. Crippling anxiety to the point I couldn’t even do my job. It was awful. I wanted to prove to myself and my managers that I was capable of handling this on my own, but it turned out to own me instead. Talk about feeling defeated.

Thank god for my team lead. For the coworkers that checked on me. That helped me see other ways I can handle contacts like that in the future. I’m blessed to work for a company that is so supportive. In my own head I have worked up a situation where I may lose my job because of the way I reacted. But I was seriously doing my best to help the customer. I thought I was. And I was genuinely trying. I ended up calling escalations because I couldn’t take it anymore. Thank god for the sweet individual who picked up the phone and took over the contact. Thank god for the sweet contacts I had afterwards. Y’all were such a blessing – more than y’all will ever know. Thank god for the Moscow mules at my local bar for helping me release the anxiety and stress from the day. God knows I could drink more, but alas, I have to be at work tomorrow.

To the customer that put me into an anxiety attack today – I’m sorry. I’m sorry you feel like we failed you. That it took so many people to help you. That I had to transfer you when you didn’t want too. But I have to look out for me. And you weren’t helping that. I want you to know that I was trying. I was trying to learn and understand and help all at once. I’m sorry the situation and way you’ve been helped up until me put a bad taste in your mouth. I ended up being your punching bag. And that’s okay….but it’s not. Just because you were upset does not give you the right to be a complete ass to the other individual on the phone. I have never been anything but genuine with my customers and I was trying to let you see that. Were there things I could have done differently? Yes. And for those things I apologize and have learned from. But you know what I want more for you and show to you? Is grace. I hope things go better for you. I hope life gets better. I hope you learn that despite the situation you learn that you can be firm, but kind at the same time. I hope you learn to show grace when all you want to do is scream. Sorry (not sorry) that I had to transfer you to a supervisor. But I couldn’t take your yelling anymore. My mental and emotional health is WAY more important than making sure you got things figured out. Hopefully your situation got resolved.