I let it get to me. The way that they were talking to me. I tried to say that it wasn’t personal and that they were just upset at the situation….not at me. That quickly turned when they started insulting me and being abusive. I tried to answer their questions to the best of my ability and get the help I needed. It didn’t matter. I wasn’t getting them the answers they needed. I wasn’t helping them. When I was doing my best. Didn’t matter that I was new. Didn’t matter that this was my first experience with this type of problem.

There were things that I could have done or said differently. I apologized when necessary. And did my best to let them know that I wasn’t trying to waste their time. That I wasn’t trying to undermine their intelligence. That I was listening and doing my best. They didn’t want to hear it. They didn’t want to believe that I was getting help from a supervisor or that I actually wasn’t lying about what I could and couldn’t do. The things I wish I could have said, but didn’t because I didn’t want I lose my job.

It got so bad that I was having a hard time thinking and even functioning. I let it get to the point where all I could do is cry. And I did. Hard. I’m talking the ugly crying, sobbing, hyperventilating, can’t breathe type of crying. Crippling anxiety to the point I couldn’t even do my job. It was awful. I wanted to prove to myself and my managers that I was capable of handling this on my own, but it turned out to own me instead. Talk about feeling defeated.

Thank god for my team lead. For the coworkers that checked on me. That helped me see other ways I can handle contacts like that in the future. I’m blessed to work for a company that is so supportive. In my own head I have worked up a situation where I may lose my job because of the way I reacted. But I was seriously doing my best to help the customer. I thought I was. And I was genuinely trying. I ended up calling escalations because I couldn’t take it anymore. Thank god for the sweet individual who picked up the phone and took over the contact. Thank god for the sweet contacts I had afterwards. Y’all were such a blessing – more than y’all will ever know. Thank god for the Moscow mules at my local bar for helping me release the anxiety and stress from the day. God knows I could drink more, but alas, I have to be at work tomorrow.

To the customer that put me into an anxiety attack today – I’m sorry. I’m sorry you feel like we failed you. That it took so many people to help you. That I had to transfer you when you didn’t want too. But I have to look out for me. And you weren’t helping that. I want you to know that I was trying. I was trying to learn and understand and help all at once. I’m sorry the situation and way you’ve been helped up until me put a bad taste in your mouth. I ended up being your punching bag. And that’s okay….but it’s not. Just because you were upset does not give you the right to be a complete ass to the other individual on the phone. I have never been anything but genuine with my customers and I was trying to let you see that. Were there things I could have done differently? Yes. And for those things I apologize and have learned from. But you know what I want more for you and show to you? Is grace. I hope things go better for you. I hope life gets better. I hope you learn that despite the situation you learn that you can be firm, but kind at the same time. I hope you learn to show grace when all you want to do is scream. Sorry (not sorry) that I had to transfer you to a supervisor. But I couldn’t take your yelling anymore. My mental and emotional health is WAY more important than making sure you got things figured out. Hopefully your situation got resolved.

Lean on Me

It’s hard. Really hard. To right now always be the support for your spouse. To always be the words of encouragement when things don’t seem to go the way we think they should. To always be sacrificing time together because of residency. But I chose him and I chose to support him through life. The good, bad, and the ugly. This is what you do in marriage. There are times when he’ll do (and has done) the same for me. He has been there for me through a really rough period in my life.

If this journey was easy, then more people would stick around/do it. But it’s not easy. It’s hard. I knew what I was getting into though. My mom, my dad, and my in laws all told me what it would be like. What I can expect. First, let me just say, GOD BLESS my mother in law because she has helped me navigate the journey of residency and has allowed me to use her as a support.

Sometimes we think we can do it all ourselves. But when in reality we cannot. We need the help and support of others. 💕

That’s how long it is before I get to see my husband right now. His first two blocks (which are a month long at a time) are night shifts – four on, three off. Now I’m working a regular 8 to 5 job Monday through Friday. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful and grateful for my job. I was starting to panic/get antsy that I wasn’t going to find anything. And thankfully, through hard work & the grace of God, I got a job. For privacy purposes, I won’t say here where I’m working or currently where Geoff is working. But if you follow me on social media, or know me in real life, then you definitely already know.

Anyways, I digress. It’s hard not getting a lot of time with your significant other. I’m used to seeing my husband every day for more than an hour….before residency it was 24/7 almost. Literally. Yes there were times when I just wanted to push him away and say “give me some breathing room, man”. But now? Man I would kill for days like that again. I love working and being busy. I love challenging my mind and skills, it’s necessary for me to not become stagnant and unintelligent. I’m understanding now though that time is precious. You could say “well duh Michaella, everyone knows that” and roll your eyes. However though, there is truth to it. Time is precious. Moments are precious.

We’re only a few weeks into this residency journey and we’re making leaps & bounds in our relationship. The time we do get together are meaningful and full of adventure. We (and by we, I mean myself) try to put our devices our down and actually have a conversation. We’re realizing that there is no way either of us can do this journey without the other. For those that don’t have someone to support them, I have to admire them because it’s hard to go through medical school, residency, etc. It is draining in all facets of life – emotionally, mentally, physically. And then that takes a toll on ones relationships and possibly even ones work/career.

I know we have to go through these tough patches to get to the blessings. But I would be lying if I said this was easy. So I’ll lift my chin, roll my shoulders back, hold my husband’s hand, and walk ahead. For now, I’m going to eat ice cream and count down the hours till I get to hug, snuggle, and kiss my husband. Only roughly 21 hours to go.

Sigh

Rosé In The USA

I hope you have a fun and safe Fourth with family and friends! 💕

Give grace & receive grace to not just your spouse, but to yourself as well.

This was advice someone gave me before I got married and it’s advice I think of daily. I cannot remember if it was someone I know or if it was a customer from my previous role at Zappos, but it’s been some of the best advice ever. Especially during this time that is medical school and residency. There are times during this journey that REALLY test your marriage. And I’m talking REALLY test it.

The journey of medicine is not for the faint of heart. It takes a lot of patience, sacrifice, and, well, grace. It’s learning to read body language and signs of stress. It’s learning to not take things personally when they’re mentally absent, but physically there. Or even physically absent due to studying, rotations, interviews, residency, their career, etc. But you just being there, supporting them through this journey means the world to them. I’m sure I wrote about this on a previous post, but I felt it on my heart to share it again.

Last night Geoff worked his first shift (night) of his residency. His first real shift as a doctor. Not a medical student. And like any new intern, he was nervous. It broke my heart that he felt like he shouldn’t be here and that he was feeling a case of imposter syndrome. Everyone has it at some point in their journey, but it doesn’t make it less sad to hear. All I could do was try to pour love and support into him. Tell him how proud I am and that he worked his @$$ to get here. It doesn’t matter that he is a DO and some of his cohort are MD’s. He proved during medical school that he DESERVES to be here with the rest of them. I told him he has support in me, my parents, his parents, his cohort, and the attending’s that he will be working with. I told him it’s okay to not know the answer. You can’t be expected to know everything. And besides, things will get easier and better with time. I just want him to know that he is meant to be here. He will do well. He needs to show himself grace and be open to failing and learning.

The whole point of this post is because leading up when he started his shift, he was very stressed out. And sometimes stressed out Geoff is exasperated Geoff. So learning how to decipher the two is quite challenging. When I wanted to get upset at his behavior (thinking he was exasperated and wanting to tell him to suck it up, you chose this), I had to pause, take a breath, and say to myself ‘show grace Michaella’. Just that little reminder allowed me to try and understand where he was coming from and be empathetic towards the situation. I’m blessed because I have family to lean on who has been in this situation before. If you don’t have someone who’s been through it in your family, lean on your fellow spouses/ significant others. You can reach out to me too. I am happy to listen and provide advice if needed. Feel free to email me or follow me/message me on Instagram (@michaellawoo1).

You’re not alone in this journey. There are thousands before you who have been and/or are in the position you’re in. Take a deep breath and show yourself a little grace too. We got this. Xoxo

Working out and fitness have been my go-to since Geoff has been in medical school. It’s been a safe space and just the release I need to stay strong. Since we left Nevada, it has been hard for me to get back into the groove with working out. But I’m back in and loving it! I am going through the Women’s Specialization program by Jeff Nippard and Stephanie Buttermore. So far so good. It’s six days a week with four of those days being devoted to lower body. Oui. I don’t hate working my lower body, because every girl wants a butt and toned legs, but they aren’t my favorite. My favorite days are upper body days. Maybe that’s because I see progress there first. But when I took the photo (above) I was like “dayumn girlllll, look at those arms and shoulders. Work it!!! Yassss!!”

I will be honest, motivating myself to go to the gym (which is just downstairs in my apartment building) is hard AF. Like hard. Why? Because I don’t always have the motivation to workout. However, when you lack motivation you have to rely on discipline. (Thank you Christian Guzman for that reminder). Even then, sometimes I don’t have that. But I’m human, we all have our days. That being said, everyone has time. You have to make time. Whether or not that’s getting up before everyone else or doing it really late when all you want to do is sleep.

No one is going to get you the results you want but you. You have to put in the work. The time. You have to want the goal/result so bad, that you’re going to do anything and everything till you get there. So how bad to YOU want it?

Let’s get this croissant! (Took this from Ally Besse – she says it all the time and I love it!)

Tonight is the night that I get to meet Geoff’s cohort and any of the other significant others. I’ve been waiting for this moment since we found out we were coming back to WA and since we’ve been here. If I’m honest….I am bloody nervous. Like to the point where I almost don’t want to go now. I’m probably just psyching myself out, which never works in my favor. It also probably doesn’t help that I’ve built this moment up in my head for the last month.

I want to find significant others that I gel with, that I can lean on when things get tough. With medical school I got so blessed with Naomi and Nicole, that I worry it will be hard to top that relationship and foundation we built. Geoff told me the other day that there were less than 10 of his cohort that had significant others (married or fiancés). Less than 10.

I also don’t want to make Geoff look bad tonight. I know that sometimes I have a tendency to say too much or act too boldly. So I want to do right by him and be polite, respectful, eloquent, and on my best behavior. The last thing I want is to embarrass him or make his cohort think I’m weird. It’s really important to me that he finds people too in his cohort that he gels with. I in no way want to hinder that.

Maybe I’ll just go workout and then I’ll distract myself with cleaning…and deep breathing.