28 Hours

That’s how long Geoff is on call. I won’t see him till about 9am tomorrow (Sunday) morning. It’s bittersweet being alone. On one hand I get to starfish in the bed and have a night/day of have a night of self-care. On the other, I miss hanging out and his presence.

It’s a schedule that I will eventually get used too. But this is the territory that comes with residency. It’s going to be like this for the next few years and that’s okay. We will find a balance.

This will all be worth it. ❤️

Let’s Talk

Let’s talk about mental health and how there needs to be a more open conversation about it. Let’s talk about our struggles and how we’re feeling. Lets make it normal and not awkward/weird. Let’s talk about burnout and how it is hurting our medical professionals. Let’s talk.

Physician suicide is real. The ACGME posted this PDF about 10 facts regarding physician suicide and mental health. The statistics are alarming. NPR wrote this article last year about a physician who committed suicide and how easy it is to not realize one is even struggling.

I don’t want any one of the physicians I know (including my own husband) to commit suicide. I don’t want to read their name in the paper or hear about it from someone near and dear to me. But it’s something that I have to be aware of. Alert for. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I’d rather be paranoid and catch the signs early rather than say “I wish I had paid more attention. I wish I had done x, y, z.”

Today is World Mental Health Day. Let’s talk. ❤️

I Miss You

Nights suck.

I hate being on opposite schedules. I hate not getting to see you. I hate eating dinner alone. I hate not being able to snuggle. I hate sleeping alone (even though I get to starfish and not listen to your snoring in my ear).

I miss you.

I know this is going to be our new normal occasionally from now till when you retire. I know you’re doing what you love, even if it’s not always fun/what you expect. I know you’re going to be so excited to practice your specialty & perfect your craft.

Will this get better?

I know you miss me too. I know you wish you could be home with me. If/when we have our own family, I know you’re going to wish you could be home with the kids.

I hate feeling single, yet married.

I know it will get better. Things will work out for us. We’re strong. We’ll make it. We’ve made it these last 10 years…we can make it through this. But damn. When it’s hard, it’s HARD. And when it’s easy, it feels so good and, well, easy.

I miss you. I hope you’re having a great shift. See you in the morning when you’re post call.

Xoxo

Peace Amongst the Storm

How can one be at peace or be peaceful amongst the storm? Amongst all the chaos that is life?

I’ve always admired those who were able to be positive and optimistic when life seemed to make a 180 degree turn. They seem to see the silver lining and keep moving ahead when they have every right to throw a tantrum. Sure, you can say that ‘this too shall pass’, but right now it certainly doesn’t feel like it. Kinda feels like it’s spiraling more and more out of control as time goes on. But it feels selfish to be feeling the way I do, when I know that it’s hard for everyone else too. I’m not the only one having a hard time dealing with this….my whole family is having a hard time dealing with this, but all in our own ways.

Snow Storm 2019 at my parents house

I’m sitting at the kitchen table in my parents house and it’s quiet. Peacefully quiet, but at the same time it’s far from quiet. There is so much noise and so much going on, I just want to hide away. No, I’m not trying to get sympathy comments or hugs or words from people, I’m also trying not to come off as some motivational speaker/person. Unfortunately, this is how I feel at this given moment in time. Sorry for how sporadic this post is….I’m just writing down what I am feeling and what I am thinking about. If you know me in real life or have spoken to me recently, then you know what I’m going through. For personal and private reasons, I won’t divulge it on the blog yet. Maybe one day I will, but that day is not today.

Xoxo

London Bridge

London Bridge is falling down my fair lady. And there I stood; standing in the middle of a plan I called life. Crumbled all around me; the pieces of my glorious bridge. Damn what a beautiful structure. Meticulously built, labored over and held together with love. The med school bomb just exploded. I tried, I really did but the tears spilt over, rolling down my cheeks. He was serious and the more I tried to talk him out of it, the more I realized there was no going back. My stomach sank and that very moment I knew life would never be the same. Perhaps I should’ve stood my ground, maybe threw an absolute bitch fit but in the end who I am to deny a man his destiny. He took the MCAT, applied to med school, and before I could even catch my breath we packed up and moved to Vegas. Welcome to year one.

Go ahead, search high and low for information on first year and being married to medicine. I did. I read every blog post, drowned in YouTube videos but nothing truly prepared me. Plain and simple, med school takes over. It will dominate and redefine every aspect of your existence. Choosing to go into medicine is not just a job. Year one exists to show you medicine is life; medicine is a calling.

Our medical transition is different than most. The best case scenario a med school candidate is young, single, has financial support and ready to take on the world. Med school year one, we’re in our 30’s, twelve year marriage with older kids, two dogs, couple of parakeets, fish and a partridge in a pear tree. So let’s just say I haven’t handled it the best. I try but…

Long story short love, become one with change, breathe in change, breathe out change, obtain peace with change. And by change I mean the sooner you can deal with feeling alone the better. The loneliness will eat at you, don’t let it. Time to suck it up buttercup, you’re a med school spouse. Year one is meant for you to build a support system. You’re going to need this for the rest of med school. Each year is more difficult. Truly invest in things that bring you peace and emotional support. If at all possible stay close to family during med school and if that isn’t an option reach out and make friendships so strong they become your family. Year one I spent watching him study. Don’t do that. Get out, do you boo and when you can connect with your S/O, go out and have a good time!

Year one will rock your world as will year two, three and four. Each year is a different hurdle but year one is about studying and labs and studying and lecture and studying more…did I say studying? My hubs spent hours studying, sometimes 16 hr days. Undergrad is like water hose of information being sprayed at you and med school is like a freaking fire hydrant. So when your S/O has to study don’t take it personally because they’re literally treading water, trying not to drown in information.

You got this! YOU GOT THIS! Be gracious with yourself during this transition and realize there’s no perfect way to do it. Most of all know you’re not alone!

xoxo,

naomi