#BlackLivesMatter

Everyone processes information differently and forms their own thoughts at different paces. The events that have transpired recently (George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and Ahmaud Arbery) have left me unable to find the appropriate words to say. I have thought about what I wanted to share and how to share it for days. However, silence is ignorance and not okay. So here is my promise to do better and to be better.

I understand that I will never fully understand what it is like to be an African American here in the United States. I understand that even as an Asian American, I have privilege that my fellow African Americans do not. I don’t have to worry about getting followed in a store, I don’t have to worry about my life ending if pulled over. I don’t have to think twice about what I look like before leaving my house and if it’s going to set someone off.

While I have experienced some racist comments in my life, memories that still sometimes hurt me to this day, this is not about me or my feelings and my experiences. This is about acknowledging the decades of oppression and hate and racism that the African Americans have had to endure. This about LISTENING to them and VALIDATING how they’re feeling. This is about us non-African Americans learning how to be an ally and be anti-racist.

To those I know who are people of color. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for my ignorance, my silence, my lack of knowledge/education. I promise to do better, to be better, and show you that I’m not going to sit here idly and not talk about it. Help me be a better ally.

I stand with you. ✊🏻✊🏼✊🏽✊🏾✊🏿🤍

Where I’ve Been

Oh goodness. Where to start? It’s been several months since I’ve posted last. The last thing I posted was about my trip down to San Francisco. Since then, the holidays have come and gone, we rung in a new year, and I realized that I’m now a year out from the worst month of my life.

It’s crazy how fast time has gone. It feels like the other day that I was moving out of my childhood home. It was a rough time for me. Mentally and emotionally. I almost don’t want to believe that it’s real. But it is. It’s a new normal and I’m learning to find peace with that.

We’re halfway through our first year of residency which is also insane to think about. Its been a journey of ups and downs…and learning to navigate this new life. I’ve found that when I get time with my husband, I don’t make plans with others. I try to be on my phone less and I make sure we get out of the apartment. Being intentional and present during my time with him has been helping our marriage. Residency has me doing lots of the chores, but he helps when he can and that is appreciated.

Work has me busy. Hard to believe that I’ve been with my current company now for over half a year. Time sure does fly. I remember the days when I wished I could work for this company and now that I do, I’m hoping for a longtime career with them. Here’s to hoping right?! Lol

Ah! I did want to share a goal that I had created for myself that ended up getting accomplished. After I got my job, my husband and I had a lot of credit card debt. Between three cards, we had five figures settling just under $15k. My goal was to pay off all our credit card debt by the end of 2019. Guess what? Goal. Accomplished. Y’all….it felt A M A Z I N G. 😍 Now the balances are manageable and under control. It took determination and sacrifices to make sure I met my goal. This goal sadly also took place around the holidays which made a gift giver such as myself frustrated. I love gifting, but had to set a budget and stick to it. Which is also something I (rather surprisingly) managed to to. Lol

Anyways….it feels good to be back. Looking forward to sharing more memories and journeys through this thing called residency. Xoxo 💕

Family is Everything

I just got back from a long weekend in San Francisco and my heart is full and hurting – all at the same time. How is that even possible? Unfortunately it is. I’m learning that it’s okay. To be happy and sad about things. That it’s okay wish things didn’t have to be this way. But to know that sometimes the hardest things are the best things for us. Even if we don’t know it right now.

It was so nice to spend time with my grandparents, my father, my sister, my aunts, my uncles, and my cousins. I don’t get to see them very often so this was a real treat. Got to hit up all my favorite restaurants and little junks stores by grandparents house too.

Where I’ve Been

I’ve been hiding. Lurking. Quietly sitting back. Not entirely sure why. But life seems to have gotten the better of me lately. It feels like I’m burning the candle at both ends….but at the same time, I am all too lazy after work and sometimes on the weekends.

Trying to work through some things personally. It’s been hard. I’m not sure why I feel the way I do. It’s frustrating because I know what needs to happen. I know how I need to be feeling. But for whatever reason, every time I think I’m there, something creeps up and I realize I’m far from it. I don’t know how to work through these feelings. I don’t know. I wish I did. It would be better for everyone involved.

Residency seems to be getting the best of me too. It’s exhausting. I’m doing a lot. Cooking, cleaning, maintaining, supporting…all of it. Geoff does what he can, and I’m appreciative of his efforts when they’re made. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t miss my girls – Nicole and Naomi. I wish we could get together for drinks. I wish we could hug and cry with each other through this stage of life. Their support means the world to me. It’s hard not being close to them.

Bear with me. There are a lot of things demanding my time and energy. I love and appreciate every one of you that read my blog. Thank you. ❤️

Let’s Talk

Let’s talk about mental health and how there needs to be a more open conversation about it. Let’s talk about our struggles and how we’re feeling. Lets make it normal and not awkward/weird. Let’s talk about burnout and how it is hurting our medical professionals. Let’s talk.

Physician suicide is real. The ACGME posted this PDF about 10 facts regarding physician suicide and mental health. The statistics are alarming. NPR wrote this article last year about a physician who committed suicide and how easy it is to not realize one is even struggling.

I don’t want any one of the physicians I know (including my own husband) to commit suicide. I don’t want to read their name in the paper or hear about it from someone near and dear to me. But it’s something that I have to be aware of. Alert for. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I’d rather be paranoid and catch the signs early rather than say “I wish I had paid more attention. I wish I had done x, y, z.”

Today is World Mental Health Day. Let’s talk. ❤️

I Miss You

Nights suck.

I hate being on opposite schedules. I hate not getting to see you. I hate eating dinner alone. I hate not being able to snuggle. I hate sleeping alone (even though I get to starfish and not listen to your snoring in my ear).

I miss you.

I know this is going to be our new normal occasionally from now till when you retire. I know you’re doing what you love, even if it’s not always fun/what you expect. I know you’re going to be so excited to practice your specialty & perfect your craft.

Will this get better?

I know you miss me too. I know you wish you could be home with me. If/when we have our own family, I know you’re going to wish you could be home with the kids.

I hate feeling single, yet married.

I know it will get better. Things will work out for us. We’re strong. We’ll make it. We’ve made it these last 10 years…we can make it through this. But damn. When it’s hard, it’s HARD. And when it’s easy, it feels so good and, well, easy.

I miss you. I hope you’re having a great shift. See you in the morning when you’re post call.

Xoxo

This S**t Is Hard

When Geoff was in medical school I thought that was hard. He was busy studying all the time for the first two years. Then he was on rotations with different schedules each month. Sometimes it felt like I was single more than I was in a relationship, let alone married. But that seems so easy compared to things now.

Back in Nevada I had what seems like more friends who wanted to hang out. I had Nicole and Naomi as well as friends from work (Zappos and Tesla respectively) and our gym. If Geoff was busy, I had people I could reach out too for company. Now, that’s not saying I don’t have friends (and family) here I could reach out too…but everyone is so spread out. And I guess I’m worried I sound desperate or annoying or am bugging them by reaching out. Everyone has their own lives. Which is fine. But why does this chapter seem so harder than the last?

I now see and understand that it is hard being married to medicine. I knew it was going to be hard. But I don’t think I actually KNEW how hard it was going to be…damn. I’m learning it now for sure. How my mom and my mother-in-law did it with kids is mind blowing. To maintain a house – laundry, dishes, cleaning, preparing meals – while your husband is away for anywhere from 12 hours to days at a time because they’re on call. That s**t is hard.

It’s hard to spend all day alone. It’s hard to eat dinner alone. I miss my husband. I miss my best friend. The other day I had a doctors appointment and was reestablishing care with a physician at my father’s old clinic. Just listening to my doctor say how much she admired my father made me understand that all the time he was not at home spending time with me, my sister, and my mother….he was spending time at the clinic fostering and building a culture there. Taking care of patients and his colleagues.

But tonight in particular reminded me of all the times we (my mom, sister, and I) ate dinner without my dad. He would call at 5:45/6 every night and update my mother on his status. Usually he was home by 7/7:30 every night. But by then, we had already had dinner and were getting ready for the following day.

Geoff is about to be home for the evening…and when he gets home, I’ll almost be done eating dinner. The dishes will be started and the laundry almost done. I will have done everything myself to maintain my home. I don’t care though. I can’t wait to see him. ❤️

My Adoption Story

**This topic is a little harder to write about as it is INCREDIBLY personal.**

I am an open book. Unless I tell you (or show it on my face), I don’t get easily offended if you’re asking me a question about my life. When I tell people that I am adopted it opens a whole new set of questions. Ones that I still don’t know the answers too myself.

“Where were you adopted from?”

“Have you been back to China?”

“When were you adopted?”

“What age were you adopted at?”

“Do you speak Chinese?”

“Do you know your birth parents?”

“Do you want to know/meet your birth parents?”

“Do you know if you have any other siblings?”

I am proud to be adopted. I’m proud to be one of the first groups of girls/children to be adopted from China. Let me say this disclaimer before moving forward – my adoptive parents are my parents. They are the ones that raised me and gave me a chance at life that I will be forever grateful for. Nothing, not even my birth parents, will take that away from my mom and dad.

I’ve always tossed back and forth whether or not I want to see/meet my birth parents. Sometimes I torture myself by watching other adoptees finding their birth parents. I say its torture because I am happy for them, but know it may not be a reality for me. It’s hard knowing that. Would I want to meet them? Maybe. I’m not sure. Peoples next question is “Why? What makes you say that?” But really, it comes down to what would I say to them? Thank you? Thank you for giving me a chance at life I wouldn’t otherwise may have gotten? Or do I say “Why wasn’t I good enough? Did you not love me enough to keep me?” When I was younger I struggled with that a lot. Now, as an adult, I don’t as much. And after watching so many adopted people meet their birth family on YouTube, I understand that it is not a choice that is made lightly. Nowadays I tell myself that my birth parents do love me, despite them not knowing me. There are still times where I wonder if they think about me as often as I think about them.

I hope my birth parents know I forgive them, that I understand the hard choice they were forced to make at the time I was born. That I think about them often and wish them well. I hope they know that if we ever get a chance to meet, I will happily do so with grace and thankfulness. I hope they know that they don’t have to apologize for the choice they made. That they don’t need to make it up to me.

I will go back to China one day with my parents and my husband. I will go back to see the province and the orphanage. I’m sure I won’t see anyone who remembers me. But I know it will be a humbling experience and a very moving experience. ❤️

It’s Been Awhile

Five days to be exact. Five days since I’ve seen my husband. It doesn’t sound like a long time when I think about those who don’t get to see their significant other for months at a time. Geoff and I did long distance in college. But we never went months at a time…maybe weeks at a time. Probably only once did we ever go months without seeing each other.

Oh good it feels to see him. To hold him. To kiss him. To talk face to face with him. It’s wonderful. Times like these become so much more precious and special to me as this journey called residency goes on. We’re up for a schedule change tomorrow too. He’s done with night medicine and starts pulmonology for two weeks. Then cardiology for two weeks. I’ve learned you just have to roll with the punches, because there isn’t too much benefit in trying to plan life.

So I’m going to enjoy tonight with my husband. ❤️

I Have a Confession

I love food. I love cooking and baking food…A L M O S T as much as I love eating it. Hahaha I just finished making the pretzels and I’m pleasantly surprised with how they turned out!! The recipe is one from my high school’s chef school class. I’ve also been watching a lot of The Great British Baking Show lately and have been wanting to mess around in the kitchen.

Geoff is currently sleeping (he’s on nights at the moment) and I’m hoping he’ll be surprised and happy about the pretzels too! To show how much I love food, I’ve included other photos of what I’ve consumed recently in the last 8 months or so. Because are you even a foodie if you don’t take a pic for Instagram? Haha

I’ve been in LOVE with Eggs Benedict lately. My next goal – maybe tomorrow – will be to learn how to properly (and successfully) make a poached egg. Pray for me.