Seattle visibility and air quality over the course of one week due to fires.
It’s real. It’s here. And it should scare you. If you’re living under a rock, then it might be news to you that the West Coast has some of THE WORST AIR QUALITY IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW. If you don’t have to go outside – don’t. If you must venture outside….wear an N95 mask or any mask for that matter. Something is better than nothing.
It has been incredibly difficult to stay inside all day for the most part. I can’t go on a walk during lunch and get a change of scenery. I can’t pull weeds or mow my lawn (which I desperately need to do). I can’t open the window in my bathroom to allow for air circulation when I shower or go #2 💩 (sorry, TMI). I don’t think I will ever take a big gulp of fresh air for granted ever again.
My husband and I are getting out of town in a few weeks and I cannot freaking wait. I’m looking forward to being in a different state and truly feeling like I am getting away. Staycations are nice, but they’re not entirely relaxing. What is even better about where we are going is they have cleaner air. Much cleaner than Seattle at this point.
Call. More specifically in house call. He’s been home for less than 45 minutes and he’s been paged. Likely this means he will need to go in. But this has not yet been determined. He left at 5:45a-6:00a this morning.
Life of a doctor. I can tell I’m going to quickly loathe the sound of the pager. But I’d rather it go off now than when I’m deep in sleep. I can remember growing up and hearing my dads pager go off in the middle of the night. It always woke me up as my bedroom wall shared a wall with my parents bedroom.
But we’re going to try and go to sleep….wish us luck.
That’s how long Geoff is on call. I won’t see him till about 9am tomorrow (Sunday) morning. It’s bittersweet being alone. On one hand I get to starfish in the bed and have a night/day of have a night of self-care. On the other, I miss hanging out and his presence.
It’s a schedule that I will eventually get used too. But this is the territory that comes with residency. It’s going to be like this for the next few years and that’s okay. We will find a balance.
My mother in law and father in law helped us pull off the surprise in the video. It was about to be our one-year wedding anniversary and Geoff was up in WA doing an away rotation. Before this plan came together, I was disappointed that we wouldn’t be together for our anniversary. Sure we’d have been together at that point for 9 years, but your first wedding anniversary is special. ❤️
Today we’re celebrating three years married out of the eleven years we’ve been together. It’s been a crazy ride and I wouldn’t change it for the world. We’ve gone through college, medical school, and now in the middle of residency together. Each period has brought its own challenges for us both personally as individuals and together as a couple.
Let’s talk about mental health and how there needs to be a more open conversation about it. Let’s talk about our struggles and how we’re feeling. Lets make it normal and not awkward/weird. Let’s talk about burnout and how it is hurting our medical professionals. Let’s talk.
Physician suicide is real. The ACGME posted this PDF about 10 facts regarding physician suicide and mental health. The statistics are alarming. NPR wrote this article last year about a physician who committed suicide and how easy it is to not realize one is even struggling.
I don’t want any one of the physicians I know (including my own husband) to commit suicide. I don’t want to read their name in the paper or hear about it from someone near and dear to me. But it’s something that I have to be aware of. Alert for. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I’d rather be paranoid and catch the signs early rather than say “I wish I had paid more attention. I wish I had done x, y, z.”
I hate being on opposite schedules. I hate not getting to see you. I hate eating dinner alone. I hate not being able to snuggle. I hate sleeping alone (even though I get to starfish and not listen to your snoring in my ear).
I miss you.
I know this is going to be our new normal occasionally from now till when you retire. I know you’re doing what you love, even if it’s not always fun/what you expect. I know you’re going to be so excited to practice your specialty & perfect your craft.
Will this get better?
I know you miss me too. I know you wish you could be home with me. If/when we have our own family, I know you’re going to wish you could be home with the kids.
I hate feeling single, yet married.
I know it will get better. Things will work out for us. We’re strong. We’ll make it. We’ve made it these last 10 years…we can make it through this. But damn. When it’s hard, it’s HARD. And when it’s easy, it feels so good and, well, easy.
I miss you. I hope you’re having a great shift. See you in the morning when you’re post call.
Five days to be exact. Five days since I’ve seen my husband. It doesn’t sound like a long time when I think about those who don’t get to see their significant other for months at a time. Geoff and I did long distance in college. But we never went months at a time…maybe weeks at a time. Probably only once did we ever go months without seeing each other.
Oh good it feels to see him. To hold him. To kiss him. To talk face to face with him. It’s wonderful. Times like these become so much more precious and special to me as this journey called residency goes on. We’re up for a schedule change tomorrow too. He’s done with night medicine and starts pulmonology for two weeks. Then cardiology for two weeks. I’ve learned you just have to roll with the punches, because there isn’t too much benefit in trying to plan life.
How can one be at peace or be peaceful amongst the storm? Amongst all the chaos that is life?
I’ve always admired those who were able to be positive and optimistic when life seemed to make a 180 degree turn. They seem to see the silver lining and keep moving ahead when they have every right to throw a tantrum. Sure, you can say that ‘this too shall pass’, but right now it certainly doesn’t feel like it. Kinda feels like it’s spiraling more and more out of control as time goes on. But it feels selfish to be feeling the way I do, when I know that it’s hard for everyone else too. I’m not the only one having a hard time dealing with this….my whole family is having a hard time dealing with this, but all in our own ways.
Snow Storm 2019 at my parents house
I’m sitting at the kitchen table in my parents house and it’s quiet. Peacefully quiet, but at the same time it’s far from quiet. There is so much noise and so much going on, I just want to hide away. No, I’m not trying to get sympathy comments or hugs or words from people, I’m also trying not to come off as some motivational speaker/person. Unfortunately, this is how I feel at this given moment in time. Sorry for how sporadic this post is….I’m just writing down what I am feeling and what I am thinking about. If you know me in real life or have spoken to me recently, then you know what I’m going through. For personal and private reasons, I won’t divulge it on the blog yet. Maybe one day I will, but that day is not today.
Even though year one of medical school for us was August 2015 through May/June 2016, it sometimes feels like yesterday we were trying to navigate uncharted territory. It was learning where things were in a new city for the first time, learning how to live with Geoff (we hadn’t lived together prior to medical school), learning how to balance work with holding down the fort at home, trying to find a support system locally when we had no family around, and so much more.
When you move somewhere new I feel like you have to build in WAY more time than you think to get around. Google maps was (and still is) our best friend. Believe it or not, it is quite easy to get lost in Vegas. For the first several months, all I knew was how to get to the necessities – work, home, Costco, the grocery store, and the mall. Other than that, I Google Maps’d everything. Thankfully it did get easier to get around.
Photo Cred: Google
Geoff and I didn’t live together prior to medical school. We lived with our parents up until we moved. Sure he visited me in college for a weekend, but we hadn’t lived in the same space together for more than a week. There was a learning curve to moving in together as there is usually with most couples (I think). Habits that we had developed at our parents house were needing to be discussed and fixed. Discussing about how we were going to handle cooking, cleaning, and bills/finances. I would be lying if I said everything was sunshine and roses. We certainly had our rough patches. But we would end up talking our problems out and moving forward with a better understanding of the other individuals point of view.
Year one was also Geoff figuring out the best way to study for exams. Studying at home in the study or going back to campus after dinner and studying. Usually it was the latter of the two. He would come home from school when I said dinner was ready, he would eat, and then he would leave again to go back to campus and study for several more hours. Sometimes he wouldn’t come back till 11p or later and would do this for remainder of the year. It strained our relationship, as there would be days when I only saw him for dinner as the weekends were spent studying on campus too. He also spent some time during his first year figuring out what materials were best and which ones he could do without. When and how he should start studying for boards. I can’t speak on those two topics, but whatever he found, it worked! Maybe I’ll have him write a piece on study tips for those who may be struggling to find what works for them.
I had either read it on a website or heard it from Geoff when he had interviewed, that it was important to build a support system and make friends with other S.O.’s who were in the same boat. Moving to Nevada, one of my biggest fears was that I wasn’t going to meet any ladies/spouses I meshed well with. Would they like me? Would I like them? Will we be friends during medical school? After medical school? These were questions I thought often. Something that we did when we first moved down was go to the events that the school put on to help all the first years socialize with each other. It was there that we met some of our closest friends – Charles and Nicole. Right after the first exam of medical school, Charles and Nicole invited us and a group of others to sushi. It was there I met Tommy and Naomi. It was like God was watching out for me. He put two amazing ladies in my life and I knew that I was going to get through medical school just fine.
From Left: Nicole, Me, Naomi
The first year would also be the first year that I was away from my family for the holidays. I was lucky enough to be able to go home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. For Thanksgiving I was able to surprise my mom. She had no idea I was coming. My dad, my sister, and my grandma knew. She did not. The look on her face was priceless and one I will never forget.
I feel like the first year of medical school was all about adjusting. Adjusting to a new place, new people, and a new way of investing in your relationship(s). It’s funny to look back on the first year of medical school now and remember how long the next four years were going to be. There were lots of things that I wish we could have done differently, but there are a lot of things that I wouldn’t change. Knowing that things were only going to get more challenging moving forward, I braced myself and said ‘Bring it on.’
Navigating Life as a Doctor's Wife 